that post I just couldnt write.....

For some months now Ive been visiting the land of insomnia, rather than the land of nod. The regions of laying splayed in bed, tossing and turning thinking Ill just try the other side one more time. If the restlessness continues Im up, and ill just pop into the kitchen and devour whatevers handy, preferably something sweet or crunchy. Ive eyed off the cat buscuits at times of snack impoverishment. A few months ago, it would have been chainsmoking, now after a midnight snack i gnaw on my nicorette gum avidly....

Habits, it seems replace each other, filling the space vacated by the more hideous one in a gradual slide towards health. That place where all will be perfection, Ill be you know totally sorted, and beaming 'cured' from my problem free self. Only thing is each time I get closer some other 'imbalance' appears. Daytimes spent restfully lead to sleepless nights, cigarettes go and nocturnal fridge raids come on in, and I develop a rash from the stress of both. Maybe thats the flu I feel creeping in?

So whats a girl to do? If I could just get it together. But the tighter I try to control, the more I bust, the harder I wish myself to sleep the more my brain thinks its reeaaly important to worry about that thing I said to someone who doesnt know me from a bar of soap or that house I didnt get thats had someone else living there for 6 months...

Maybe theres some other way, a wiser more compassionate way of treating self that goes ok im crap at excercising Im not going to be the female version of bruce lee, damn, but I can go for the odd walk. I can think about how the crunchy stuff I chow down ons been made, aka relative deep friedness. I can choose what beverages I consume on alcohol free days to maximise my resisitance to hangovers....hey hang on Im switching habits again....
Am I back in the loop?

Im not thinking how baaad I am anymore,  Im not focused on the fabulousness of an outcome off in the distance, and therefore the shittyness of now, but engaging with the process of shifts for their own sake. Transition is a permanant fixture. Its adjusting with the flow of patterns, rather than going on an intervention of elimination. Building rather than tearing down....and before i know it that post I just couldnt write is taking form, and Im getting kind o sleepy.

Hey here's to trying being kind, but honest, with ourselves. Changing that inner talk from a swearing biggest loser trainer inanely focused on their abs to some old mate you enjoy hangin with, that makes you just exhale, or laugh. I bet i know which one cares the most long term, after the ratings have long become irrelevant. Paradoxically, when you switch modes, possabilitys seem to open up and theres an organic healing thats taking place. Lets call it the manifesting care, in its own bloody time theory. Letting control go long enough to regain it....
what soundtrack have you got playing?